she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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