It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
