I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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