He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT