Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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