speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
