she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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