It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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