So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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