Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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