dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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