Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
