low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
