I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
