Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
you had me at cake vodka
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
