today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
