I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
sex in a hospital.. check
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
