I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
