I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
