I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So squirting runs in the family.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
