Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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