my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
