Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
