I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
