I will die if light touches me.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
