My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
