She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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