come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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