yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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