i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
