I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
