I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Fuck appropriateness.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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