SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
