She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
