i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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