i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
