mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
