Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
