And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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