hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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