This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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