There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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