You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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