the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
