I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
