If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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