are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
