Where is the hickey?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
