His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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