Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
