she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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