I just pynch a tree in the face
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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