im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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