I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
