marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
This girl is more easily done than said...
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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