Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
